Money Minded Maniacs II - The Doctors

My next part of the post. This time I'm going to grill the doctors like I promised. Lets start the show.
 
The Docs

Getting to the firing straightaway. How do you identify a doctor?
People would say, "Stethoscope hanging over neck."
Other people of our cheek would say, "Oh. The guy with unbearable handwriting"

To put it in a sentence, a doctor is someone who smiles too much, has the power of making you believe that "Everything-will-be-alright" and has half all of your wallet money before you notice it. Its not really as bad as it sounds. Its worse. Who knew your kidney's valve was more costly than a Maruthi Alto?

Lets take the small-scale situation first. (I like doing the One-Fine-Day situation thing, especially when you know for sure its not going to be one fine day at all) So here we go, 

One fine day (:P) you happen to go to your favourite restaurant and have a bite at the coconut chutney which was on the verge of getting spoilt. Food Poisoning! Your body heat shoots up and you land in bed, groaning. You are loaded with Crocins and your body refuses to calm down. So finally, you decide to get rid the fever and the money as well as quickly as possible. 


Enter doctor. He will do three things. Ask you to take deep breaths and put his stethoscope to use, make you roll your eyes and flash a torch, and look at your outstretched tongue. Then, he takes out a paper, scribbles something which only medicine shop guys can identify and ask you to have a good day after robbing you of 200 Rupees. You cant do anything about it (except vomit on his table for self pleasure maybe? )

For wasting a certain amount of battery in his torch, removing some negligible ink from his pen and getting rid of one of his sheets of paper, you lose 200.   What would happen if you actually make them do something? *Shudders* People are ready to pay anything for getting their bodies working properly. And, they think doctors can fix everything.

Well, the more sad thing is, it isn't even the doctor's fault. Suppose, he charges 10 Rs for a check up. (That's a little too hard to believe)
Point #1: His roof would be brought down by thousands of patients who rush here once they learn of the price.
Point #2: The doctor has to be a complete fool if has to treat 20 patients to get 200 when he could have got the same money with one, especially when people are ready to pay.
Point #3: For a new doctor, when he sees that every other hospital is charging that much for a check up, he cant possibly reduce it very much even if he feels that the money is outrageous, its bad for business. Unless of course, he happens to be a noble life-loving idiot. (Such people don't exist anymore. They went right after dodos did)

Lets just say I like firing at these people and I'm partly jealous at how easily they earn big bucks. (Not taking their previous hard work into consideration)

The only difference between the mechanics' case and this case is that, there you can chuck the machine which doesn't work out of your second floor window. Here if you do that, its called "homicide".


Large Scale Business:
A ninety year old lady has a severe problem in her kidneys and her condition is worsening. Her sixty year old son is in a dilemma. He knows she's going to die anytime now, so why not let nature kill her peacefully? But no, there is a hospital across the street which says it can cure kidney problems. He has two choices: To let her die peacefully now without doing anything or to take her to the hospital and buy her more time to live, say a month, that's being optimistic and torture her with hospital equipment till then.

Its a simple choice if you look at it here. "Let nature take her", is easily the best option. She dies in peace plus you save money. But its complicated. Say he does that, and his mother dies, he'll be with the permanent guilt that he could have saved her but he didn't and also, other people blame him for her death. Something like, "You abandoned her!", which is painful to hear.

Even his conscience would tell him to go to the hospital, in that tiny hope of saving his mother despite the fact that, logically, its better off leaving her as it is. So she finally, inevitably ends up in the ICU to be operated. One night for the patient at a hospital costs about as much as the most expensive hotel suites and doesn't have five percent of its luxury. Days pass.

They'll make her survive a few more days. Then, after the most expensive week of a lifetime, the doctor will come out with a well-rehearsed expression of deep sympathizing sadness and tell him she just passed away. With the reason being, "Excessive fluids, Cardiac Arrest" etc, etc.

The result of it all, she's dead anyway, plus he's lost a few lakhs of money and your family members are actually glad that she didn't stay for too long because then, the expense would rapidly multiply. Okay, the equipments for operation are costly, agreed. But definitely not that much?! Serious looting. What's the rate today? Around 60K per day. I mean, what the hell? And its just because humans cant let nature take the old ones away in peace.

"Who cares about how much it costs? I want to live"
I'm not saying that isn't the right attitude. That should be the attitude. But, hospitals exploit that statement a little too much. In the end, you end up dying anyway.

Having a general doctor and a mechanic in the family would really help cut down the expenses, for smaller scale situations at least. 

Everyone is a money minded maniac. No doubts. No questions asked. I just felt like firing at these two categories. You cant blame me. Goodbye for now.....

Money Minded Maniacs I - The Mechanics

There are four kinds of people who steal. (No, there are obviously more, but the number comes under 'uncountable', so this will settle for now) The first. The honest thieves, the ones who do the direct job of drilling through bureaus and gobbling up money. The second, politicians. No surprises there. "Honest Poltician" was always an oxymoron. So, even they are forgiven since we already know that they must always be bad.

It is the third and fourth that I find are outrageous. The ones who fix our broken gadgets and machines and the ones who fix our body parts. In simple terms, mechanics and doctors.

The Mechs

They don't use knives and guns to rob. Your lack of knowledge is their weapon. First, they never turn up for repairs unless they are sure they can hit a jackpot, which they tend to hit very often. And their frequent targets: Old timers. The young generation know and meddle too much.

------------------
You would be relaxing after retirement and would want so check "e-mail" to see if your old friend sent you something. You would have, with some difficulty, memorized the sequence to do that.

Start-> All Programs -> Mozilla Firefox

One fine day, an error pops up when you open. Extremely baffling. Without second thoughts you phone the software guy.

"Hello. The Mozilla Firefox in my computer is not working! What is wrong?", you would say in a desperate voice.
"We will attend to the matter immediately sir. We will send an expert, soon", he would say in his most silkiest voice.

If you were lucky and you got the meaning of his "soon", you would scream into the phone just before he slams it down,
"When?! Today 6 pm?"
"Ah, sure sir."

And when he doesn't turn up at 6 pm, or the 6 pm of the next day, or the next. You call him up again.
"We had lodged a complaint that Mozilla Firefox isn't working. You said you would sent a man at 6 pm that day. Where is he?!", you could shout all you want.
"Is it so sir? I will send a man immediately to attend the matter.", he would say, completely disregarding your screams.

After this continues for another week. He would finally turn up mumbling things like,
"Traffic", "Work Overload" and "Couldn't make it"
You would feel like asking, "Why the hell did you so coolly say, you'll come then?"

He would walk to the P.C and ask you a few questions about what's wrong to make sure you're the biggest fool in town. Once he does that, he'll go:
Right Click -> Refresh
like twenty times like it'll solve everything. Then, he'll go amaze you by doing things you've never seen before. You'll be sitting there astonished. But if you're lucky to have a kid in the house who's tweaked everything he can get his hands on, the kid will save the day by furiously whispering in your ear,
"This guy isn't doing anything. He's just clearing temporary files!"
But no, you wouldn't listen to any kids. The mechanic is god. He knows everything. Heh! :P

"Sir, there is a problem in the C.P.U. The processor seems to be overworked. We would need to take it to our hardware office to inspect it", the silky voice returns.

The kid would be in open-mouthed disbelief, with every inch of his body screaming, "WTH?! You're kidding me"
But who listens to kids? You'll nod gravely as the mechanic suppresses a grin and removes the piece of machinery from your sight.

"I will call you when everything is alright sir. It wont take more than two days"

The waiting game starts again. Two days. Five. Ten. A hundred phone calls. Different innovative excuses each time. The kid will be having a "What did I tell you?" expression.
You've finally had enough. You go to that place directly and blow up. He'll still be grinning.
He has already won the battle when he took away your piece of machinery.

"Sir, we are sorry for the delay. It is completed. The processor needed to be repaired. You can take it home"

Despite your fury and that fact that you'll have to carry the machinery by yourself, you'll be glad its finished.

He drops the bombshell with finesse,
"That'll be 6500. We accept cheque payment."

There will be absolutely no point arguing. He will tell you about how this part cost this much and how the damage was severe and finally after destroying you with technical names, you'll have no choice but to surrender. After painfully parting with 6500, you'll finally be able to open Mozilla Firefox.

-------------------

That's why it always helps to have a tech-freak in the house and believe in them even though they'll be the ones responsible for most break downs.

Yet, you cant know everything. If the inner, deeper, unknown parts  get damaged, it is the mechanics' lucky day. He'll replace it for a 10000 bucks. After he does that, another mech would tell you he would have done the same replacement with just 8000 bucks. You'll go scream at the first guy. He would simply say,
"That guy uses inferior quality machinery. It wouldn't last five days."
Its hopeless.

The bigger the machine gets, the more they steal. Another instance where the car doesn't start. It'll be sent to garage and will stay there for weeks till you empty your phone balance.
Finally, you'll receive a bill of 25000. Yeah I know they replaced oil, motors and all other crap. Hmpf. All they must have done was put two wires into place.

And when you ask why the AC isn't working, they'll say you never asked them to see the AC and that'll cost another 30000 because apparently the condenser is broken.
You'll run out of that place with your car saying, "Vendaam Pah Saami".

So, it always helps to have a full fledged mechanical engineer as a relative. Or, the simpler alternative, is to be a millionaire. Solves all problems doesn't it? No repairs. Get new stuff. Simple. Be a mech. You'll get there.

Review: Kung Fu Panda - II

The much awaited sequel to Kung Fu Panda is here. And its in 3-D! If you haven't watched the first part yet, watch now. You wouldn't understand this movie (or this blogpost for that matter) as much as you would like otherwise. You wont regret it.

 

The Plot: Po, 'The Big Fat Panda' is back, fully trained, fully fed (but of course!), with only one more goal to accomplish in Kung-Fu - to attain inner peace. Master Shifu tells Po, to his utter horror and disbelief, that people go without eating for months to attain inner peace. Before he can think about this inconceivable task, he is faced with a new foe. 

Not a dinosaur, not a lion, not even a giant rat, but a peacock, named Shen. Several years ago, a fore teller had told Shen, that 'A warrior of black and white' would defeat him (Guess who? :P ) Shen, outraged, had slaughtered all the pandas of China. Po, with all his awesomeness, had miraculously, unknown to Shen, had survived.The peacocks, who were shocked by Shen's actions had banished him from their city. Shen, returns with a powerful weapon and takes control of the city. It is the job of Po and the Furious Five to travel to Gongmen City and stop Shen before he destroys Kung Fu from China. On the way, he discovers new things about his past, and story takes an uncharacteristically serious turn. 


The Animation: A new land, Gongmen City, is introduced in this sequel. As before, the expressions on the  faces of characters, co-ordinated with stunning dialogue delivery, especially the Panda's make the film. Jack Black has yet again done a brilliant job of voicing the Panda. A small letdown is that some of the scenes were created just for the 3-D effects. While the 3-D did look amazing, some of the fight scenes weren't as much fun. (They let too many chunks of wood fly towards you :P)

The Characters:

Po: The black and white dragon warrior is the same as ever, except maybe that he can now do new combination Kung-Fu moves with his old weapon, his belly.
He finally gains some respect from his master and his fellow warriors, but also occasionally gets pounded. He still likes getting beat up though. His out-the-blue humour, hillarious expressions and bizzare fighting techniques make this movie a must watch.

Tigress: She continues to remain the only character who doesn't make us laugh. Her suddenly developed respect towards Po is hard to get adjusted to as she used to treat him like scum. She goes and hugs Po once or twice which is "Eww" and also gets very serious and emotional.

The Other Four: Monkey, Mantis, Crane and Viper have lesser roles and just help in fighting, making weird but effective kung-fu combos with Po. They come up with witty lines every now and then so it isn't just the panda you have to look at.


Shen, The Peacock: This guy is nowhere near Tai-Lung of KFP 1 being the super villian of the movie. He is supposingly much more evil and heartless than Tai Lung. The movie intended to put his character across as 'cunning' and 'ruthless', but manages only, 'a joker' and 'someone with no idea at how to fight and relies on servants and weapons'.

Shifu: This guy is a species of Red Panda (You didn't know that right? :D ) Google 'Red Panda'. Shifu plays a cameo and takes over the role of Master Oogway, (He's awesome! :P ) though, he doesn't say all Oogway-ishly saintlike dialogues, nor does he have the God-like personality Oogway had. He's got a new cool new tunic on now!!


Ping: He's Po's dad. And he's a goose.(Wth?!) And a noodle restaurant owner. You're going to hate every scene he is in. Thankfully, his role is very less. All he does is take part in emotional conversations with his 'son' and make noodles :P

Fun? : There are ups and downs in this movie. The ups being the Panda. Period. Go figure. Also, the villian tends to crack you up a little every now and then. Downs being, the large number emotional, sad and serious scenes which are soo not Kung Fu Panda-ish. Unlike the first part, most fights are in groups and in a rush, so you don't get to see the in detail bizarre fighting techniques of the Panda (Belly Bouncer and Bum Crushers for the win!)

The climax also ends on a serious note which is lousy. Oh well, its not really as bad as it sounds.

Worth watching in a theatre? Definitely. A one time must watch movie. Kung Fu Panda 1 was better, but I still liked this one.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Random Scene
Panda and the furious five are captured, chained up, and are being brought to the HUGE castle where Shen resides to be murdered.
Panda (Looking up with a sudden serious expression): Ah. We meet again, oh ancient enemy.
Furious Five (Puzzled and turn around to face him): What?! Who?!
Panda: Stairs

Relaxation Time - With Story Books

This blogpost comes into existence because of sheer boredom. Its summer. Half of us out there are sweating and walking like maniacs not knowing what to do. The other half are out secretly partying. The only things I find amusing during those periods of helplessness during power cuts are story books. Story books can really take you to another world (You will continue to sweat in that world too. That is the power of Chennai)


You should be experiencing a dizzy, everything-swirling-around-you-for-five-seconds feeling after you snap shut a heck of a story book. Yeah, that's because it takes those five seconds to come back to this world. (Overkill? :P )  Of course movies can do just the same but due to lack of experience and the fact that power cuts render movie watching obsolete. (I'm obviously referring to thiruttu DVD watching or  Piratebay downloads)

Don't tell me that you feel no such thing, that you remain seated exactly in the same position  on the chair and don't go casually strolling in other worlds. Not even halfway through? Midair?? No?  *Sigh* Such down to earth people the earth has :I

Oh, I just realized I'm supposed to be talking about story books. Hmpf. Maybe I'll change the title to "I'm Bored. What about you?" and get on with it. Anyways, here goes.  Hopefully, they'll make no sense. Yeah duh, my posts which make no sense are much better.

 
You would have come across some over smart guys out there who try to convert a super-hit book series into movies and earn big bucks. You would obviously have seen him miserably fail too. Look at what happened to Harry Potter? Books-> Superhits. Movies-> Megaflops.
Huh what? You're telling me the movies were hits as well?! You're kidding me.Surely they cant have been hits after they chopped off half the scenes or when they killed Sirius Black in half a second and let the uncensored Harry-Cho scene roll for minutes?? Or maybe that's why they became hits. Sheesh. What a public....Okay, we'll have another "HP Movies Suck!" Blogpost sometime in the future and drop the issue for now.


It doesn't end there. Movies tend to destroy the books too. Your mind's eye would be imagining the hero of this book, whom you like, to look like something awesome. And then they make this movie, and this hero is portrayed by a long nosed, wrinkle faced twerp. That's it. Your favourite hero just turned into the long nosed, wrinkle faced twerp who had instantaneously destroyed your 'mind's eye hero' and so you would go hate the character now just because of the movie.

They destroyed Albus Dumbledore from the Third Part. Then they destroyed Percy Jackson. Hope they don't do the same to Artemis Fowl.

 So, how do you figure out if a book is good? There are some simple things. If you look at the page number occasionally, flip the pages to see how much more for the chapter to end, or get distracted easily, then you've gotten yourself a bad book. Of course there are books which are drab and dull throughout but deliver the stunning finish which makes you admire the book despite a lack of overall brilliance.


 Bah, why bother? If you get a book, read it without second thoughts instead of analyzing and inquiring about it.

Moving to the genres (I've never really understood the pronunciation of that word. Its really Jyonur and not Jenray? ) of books:


Plain Adventures. where Boy A, learns a deep secret that was hidden from him for years - that his parents were mauled by a tiger while they were having a romantic stroll in the jungle. So he, emotionally gripped with vengeance, goes to a jungle, kills the tiger heroically only to have Man B, tell him that the tiger was innocent and his parents were scratched to death by the hounds of Man C. *Sigh* You get my idea. Not very interesting to read unless the author is a genius. Fortunately most authors happen to be geniuses (or is it genii?) These authors have the ability of turning content-less books into hits just with their language. Heard of Alistair Maclean? He can make your history book turn into a thriller with his language. He's mostly about World War II campaigns of different people, rescue missions and that sort. He pulls out these amazing twists out of nowhere. They're better than ones in the crime mysteries. Also, his characters' conversations are filled with subtle humour and irony that can make things more brighter than they are in the story. His description of things. Whoa. You could be there at that spot with a paper and pencil and you cant describe the place better than him. Such good people exist just to give us a jolly time pass. How nice of them.


Fantasy. Depends on the author. And you would need more time to grasp fantasies than a normal book. That's because you would need to learn about their world and their laws and principles. For example, if there is a book in which it says, if one guy touches his right elbow with his left leg in a certain spot, then lightening would strike a certain volcano. Now when the guy does that often, you must automatically understand its implications.There have been absolutely-brilliant fantasies. (Take hint! HP! HP!) There have been useless ones. So when you go to this section of the library you have to get lucky. Or you need to have friends who've gobbled them up.


Comedy. I'm definitely not talking about something like this,

ATM Withdrawl
Sardarji 1: I saw your password! Ha! Its Star Star Star Star. I'm a genius.

Sardarji 2: Hahaha. Yo got it wrong! Its 4318.

Though, even this has gone from the category of "Joke" to "Unforgivable Mokkai" among the 5th generation people. Jokes don't become jokes because of the content. Its the phrasing and the way its told that makes you laugh. Don't get my idea? Make Vijaykant tell a joke to public which you thought was super funny and I'll give you ten bucks if he doesn't get hit by ripe tomatoes for it. I'm talking about those beauty of books which make you double over every now and then with their dialogues, timings and mostly language. Read those books searching for content, you'll be wasting time. These books are built just for humour.
Example? PG.Wodehouse. You've got to feel awed by that guy. He's one reliable mood lifter and when you're reading his books, people around you tend to ask, "Is something wrong with you? Stop with the foolish grinning"


Crime Mysteries. Suspense is everything in these books. Open the last page first and you might as well chuck the book out. A murder scene. One obvious suspect who is doesn't seem to be a murderer. Investigation. Clues. Interrogation. Finally the fantastic build up in the last few chapters and the unexpected truth which leaves you stunned for seconds. Different detectives do the climax in different ways.


The Sherlock Way:
They'll all be talking pretty normally. Watson, Sherlock Holmes, a couple of people and some policemen. Sherlock would casually go and say, "The murderer happens to be him" pointing at a guy. And that guy snatches out an unexpected gun or a cyanide capsule to gobble but the police have already snatched him. Then, Holmes explains to the always-baffled-and-gaping Watson and the police chief what it was all about and the how and the why. No marvelous speeches, no build ups, but he still leaves you gaping.

The Poirot Way:

Hercule Poirot gets the ten-fifteen people to attend a dinner party and claims that he knows who the murderer is. With Oos and Aahs from every side, he begins his classic build up, how he eliminated X and Y, why the murder was committed, why Z did this suspicious thing even though he was innocent, and why A was hiding some things. He finally gets to how the psychology of the murderer only matches one and only one person in that room. He slowly turns around to face him. Their eyes meet.

"Messieurs and madames, I present the murderer. Voila! Monseigneur B!!"  
(Just how odd does "Monseigneur B" sound? O.o )


Crime mysteries don't have to be necessarily murders. But its always better to have someone dead


Situational. What genre would you put a book in which describes the life of a man who was working in World Trade Centre and lost his entire family there while he survived? Thriller? Maybe. Or this book where Saddam Hussein steals an important US document and threatens to burn it in public? Or this life of a little girl who turns into the US president. Jeffrey Archer material. And every single one is genius.

Hence, story book reading remains the only form of entertainment during power cuts since every other form of my entertainment requires electricity or roaming in the summer heat.  But hey, don't go reading Tinkle, though that's awesome too.

A Family Function? Oh..... Food?

"Hey. We are attending a marriage today"
The normal reply would be, "Who's getting married?"
Today, the obvious reply has turned out to be, "They'll have good food right?"

As I sat monotonously glued to the twenty inch monitor, I heard mom say, 
"You are coming to the reception at 6.30". 
Not a question, a statement. Can't say I expected anything more. People knew better than to leave me alone at home. (o_O) So, my reply turned out to be something like, 
"I'll bring the camera",
again, just a statement, not a request. 
"No. You wont", 
came the simple unarguable tone. Though, after a little arguing and some use of persuasion skills, I managed to get them to allow me to bring the mp3 player instead. 
 I allowed myself the liberty of this question,
"Who's getting married anyway?"
Dad started to speak, "Baby.......". 
The shock of hearing that word nullified the courtesy of not interrupting and I went,
"What?!!!?!! Baby?!"
And dad waved his hand and replied,
"Not her. Her daughter"
My jaw literally dropped,
"That's even worse!". Dad, totally unmoved by my ghastly show of emotions, simply laughed and said,
"Nah. That's just a nickname for my cousin."
*FACEPALM* 

Fast Forwarding Events....... >>>

After wasting fifteen priceless minutes in the car by untangling the earphones, I managed to hear a couple of songs before we reached. A huge place, a big parking lot, fancy ladies to welcome people, a big board with flowers and all the nice things saying 'X Weds Y'. None of all this even registered. My brain went something like, Big Place = Awesome Food! 

We walked in. For the sake of not freaking out the old timers there with my mp3 player, I reluctantly pocketed it. Blaring classical music is definitely not what you expected after listening to cool bits of western. What? A mini stage performance?! These guys are rich.  

After avoiding looking at the guitar players who made me J, I looked around a bit, not expecting to find anyone I knew. And then out of the blue an apparent relative, an old lady, came and shook my hand,
"Oh Hallo! Do you remember me??" Most certainly not.
"Oh.... I think I do."
"Aww. And you've grown so tall and bony!" Tell me something I don't know. :-/
"uh heh heh" 

And she went off to grab some other innocent kid's hand. I walked off before I could get assaulted again. I searched for a random friend who might be there and who I could go to and say, "Wow. I didn't know you're my relative". The only kid over here was an unknown, mischievous looking, ten year old twerp who I had no intentions of meeting. 

Next Stop. It should have been the first. The eating place. After a thorough examination of the fancy buffet hall, I grabbed a plate and a tissue. I meant business here. :P


I wasn't intending to do a 3 Idiots-ish whitewash of the marriage food but it did come very close to that. I wouldn't go on to explain how I managed to chomp a piece of every food existing there with meticulous precision. I believe in the art of eating slowly and peacefully rather than gobbling down everything with fetish and burping in the most uncivilized manner. There are exceptions of course. Say, when the food in question is in any kind of threat of being cleaned up by others, all manners and civility are forgotten. But in this case, there wasn't any necessity for the dog instincts to take over. There was infinite supply of the noodles and the naan. 

I looked at the irresistible Ice-cream. I got myself a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Not the best. But anything goes when it is osee.
"You want fruit on that?" I like ice cream without pollution.
"No thanks" 
It took a little more than a second you could say, before:
"Can I have another scoop?"
"Oh, sure, how much ever you want" 
Now that would have been a very grave thing to say if it weren't for my addiction to remain staggeringly underweight. 
I spared the ice cream box after the second serving. It was really hard, bringing in the self control. 

I finally allowed myself a glance at the bride and the groom. It must be boring to stand there all day and smile at every single soul who says "Congratulations" and other formalities. But deciding that the new couple wouldn't be what you call 'bored' on the very first day, I refrained from thinking such pointless thoughts. Now I carefully extracted my mp3 player which seemed to have buried itself deep inside the pocket. Earphones tangle themselves faster and more efficiently when they are left alone. And they show no respect to the laws of science while doing so. But who cares, as long as they work.


I understand that old people don't use gadgets but they don't need to stare at it like it was a time bomb. I had to turn on the full volume to nullify the classical cacophony. But to avoid the frequent suspicion that blood was pouring from my ears I went outside and reduced the volume. :P It was time to go. And after a content reception attendance we left. Oh the 'content' part? I mean my stomach obviously. 


With a post that  was meant to be about attending marriages but turned out to be  wholly  about food and music, I sign out :P

Social, I have nothing more to say to you.......

No regrets.........

Well, you could call this a nerdy post #3 in a row. But this just has to be there. Landmark moment in life.Ten years of downright torture. Now that's something one shouldn't be giving innocent children like us. (Ignoring the magnitude of the lie in that word 'innocent') 

It all started ten years ago with a little something called 'EVS'

"Hey look! Dog! That's a living thing. And look there! Table! That would be a non living thing"

That would make the first chapter. And the journey for the social studies muggers started there:

"Table Nonliving, Dog Living. Table Non living. Dog, Living. Table. Living.... Ugh... no!"

Going again, "Dog living. Table non living" Oh wait. that's wrong too. The book says 'table' first, so going again,

"Table Non living. Dog living. Table non living. Dog living"

"Yes! I mugged it up", following it with fists pumping in air. Hence, with such methodical and mind blowing skills, nerds, officially originated.

So that would be,

Fatality #1 : Origination of nerds.

Now, five years quietly pass. Nothing devastating happens. We get to know that we can fall out of the other side of the earth by digging a hole and that the bald guy in the money notes is a historical superhero. But people begin to show signs of clutching their heads and pulling their hairs off.

Enter class six. People begin to lose a considerable amount of hair. The general public becomes concerned and invent shampoos to aid social studying students. But it cant completely nullify the power of social:

Fatality #2: Hair loss and partial baldness

Now, what used to be "dog", turned into "Mo-Hen-Jo-Da-Ro" in a simple matter of six years. And it doesn't end there too.

The book would say, "Mehincho Odimbaka (The Kenyan Cricket Team gave me the idea) lost his left slipper while travelling on a road, partially brownish in colour, in the south western region of Mohenjodaro"

Now how on earth would a poor sixth grader learn that?! Inhumane, really.

But, by this time nerds have moved on from the category of 'Humans' to 'Scanning Machines'. They now memorize roadside vehicles' registration numbers for time pass.

But, this situation must be taken into consideration from the viewpoint of the general population. How do they do it?

One way would be to shout each syllable while banging the book on the forehead -

"Mo" *bang* "Hen" *Bang* "Jo" *Bang* .... and so on. The methods vary from person to person, but rest assured that every method involves banging something on the head, which brings us to -

Fatality #3: Unduly Headaches

We move on to the later stages of this abysmal ten year run. Words like "Constitution", "Topography" and "Dictatorship" become dreadfully common. People dearly miss the "Dog" and the "table". The time starts when people are subjected to droning voices in social periods. These sound waves act like powerful hypodermic darts. The first benchers as always, wear out their fingers by taking notes. But as always, our concern is for the general population, which lies in troubled sleep:

Fatality #4: Hypersomnia or Excessive Sleep Disorder

(Incidentally, Hypersomnia increases death rates, so they're effectively trying eradicate student population with social)

We enter the phase of exams. Picture it. A ninth grader, clutching his head (this has become part of life so I might as well not mention it), eyes wide open, with a hellish expression on his face staring at a 'less-than-one-square-foot' notebook.

He reads slowly, "The Constitutional Rights:- Right to equality", written in blue gel pen.

His mind which is whining would pick up concentration on anything other than social:

The mind processes go like -

This blue gel pen smudges a lot. I need to get better ones. Oh, they showed this awesome pen on television in this advertisement when I was watching 'Star Wars'. Star Wars is so cool! *Sigh* Wouldn't it be simply awesome if those swords were real? I could even use it as a cricket bat and win the world cup for India!

*Imagines hitting a six stylishly with a laser bat*

*Picks up a real bat and swings wildly and breaks the flower vase on the table*

Yes, only social can make you go from "Constitution" to "Playing cricket with laser bat"

That makes two fatalities. Isn't social on a roll or what?

Fatality #5: Daydreaming

Fatality #6: Breaking precious objects

Of course #6 can be brought about by simpler methods. Like flinging a cup of hot coffee on your geography book for instance.

I could go on forever. There are atleast about hundred such disasters caused by social. But I see no point in wasting your time even more so I would stop here.

So there you have it. Everything there is to know about social. If you want your life disfigured completely for ten years, then social is the right thing to do! 

For now, I would settle for personal celebrations and sadistically watch every other kid suffer social's wrath. Now to end this with a blissful statement-

Social. Is. Dead. Forever!

The Math Mania II - Inside The Exam Hall

[ Read Part One First -> HERE ]

It all boils down to the next three hours. A matter of life or death. One slip up, one little error, and I'll become bankrupt, well not really but,  just saying. Concentrate on the exam!

I walk slowly to the the last bench and sit, thinking of how quickly we've grown. It is like yesterday, when we looked up at people and said, "Ooh! Look! He's writing Board exam! He's so old. " Dei. Math Exam! Concentrate. Daydream ellam later. (Oh sorry. The guy in the italics is just the me with little sense) So, as I was saying, this doesn't feel real at all. Dude! Concentrate. On. Exam. Now! Okay, okay, fine big guy.

I look at the pad with reverence (overkill perhaps? :P ) My solel companion in exam halls from second class. The sun, star and the moon i scribbled drew are still there. And of course, the old unforgettable pencil box.

There are three moments of life which can be considered 'absolute-zero' points.

The first - Moments before receiving the maths question paper. Having a vision that it has many questions you have no clue about.

The Second - Moments before the maths answer paper needs to be submitted, especially when you find a huge mistake after the bell rings. Now that's catastrophic.

The Third - The obvious one: When papers are being distributed and you have a vision of flunking.

8.45

Moment One. My hands receive the question paper, literally shivering. I fling it open. Glance One -> I'll pass. Glance Two -> Sappa Paper. Glance Three ->Lot of free space. Awesome. Pencil-scribblings-on-question-paper! For the win! 

"Nothing should be written on the question paper. We have plenty of supplies of answer sheets and have to use only answer sheets to do rough work", rang out Girija ma'am's autocratic tone. Mind Reader! What is the point of giving so much space if you cant scribble on it? But Moment one has passed.

8.46 -> (A little too precise? Don't worry, you can count on my memory to skip chunks of minutes)

What?! Stupid horizontal sheets that look awkward in pads? Craps. :P But never mind. This is the time given to go through the paper. But who listens?! First fifteen minutes is to finish off Section A. Hence, I officially and unofficially enter the world of math.

Streaming through questions one, I put a dot beside the right option. I think dotting cant be regarded as 'scribbling-on-the-question-paper'. We weren't supposed to touch answer sheets before 9.00. The awesome thing about Section A is, you don't have to do everything the orthodox way, ...... as I count on fingers for the answer for the second one. "Ah, the paper is... EASY, yay!", I breathe, and DANG, question number three, I have no clue. That's the third time I've jinxed something. Time to keep the stupid mouth of the mind shut. :P I go through problem three, again. Ah, Elimination! The other options are meaningless. *Phew* That was close. Ma'am then gives instructions as to what to write in the front page and all that.

8.50 -> (Patience fellows, true, time has pass by only four minutes. But notice the acceleration from 1 min gap to 4 min gap? It'll pick up reeeal fast :P )

Everything in Section A that didn't require pen and pencil is done. I try to do the other 'needs-calculation' problems on the pad and gave up. (If you zoom in, you'll notice the numbers on the pad :P )

Now, I'm faced with a problem. To start with Section A or Section D in the answer paper. Normally it would be 'D' because those are the big mark ones and even if I don't have time at the end I'll miss out only on small mark ones. But. What if we're supposed to write in order? For the first time in life I read the 'Instructions' .... and get nothing out of it. Then, I get scared of what would happen if I don't have time to write some questions in Section D. Chunks of marks gone! But this time as it happened, I was dead wrong about the time, but fortunately this time, its something good. In the hope that the teachers wouldn't be sadistic and cut marks, I decide to start from Section D.

9.00

I get cracking at Section D. 29. Done. 30. Done. Whaat? Horrible Decimals already? :| I went faster. I need time to check these stupid decimal problems. 31. Prove Problem! Yay! I love prove problems I know. When you end with a "Hence Proved", you don't need to ever check it. 32. Answer: Radius is negligible 1 millimetre. Hmpf. 33. Oh nos. The devil of a root three! What? Another decimal? Sheesh :| 34. Another decimal? What the heck is going on?

9.30 ->  (See? This is the time jump I was talking about)

After successfully pwning Section D, I take a short three second break by retrieving the fallen rubber and I start off again. Section C. Ooh. A construction. After a few minutes of turning the pad around, I get it right (I think! :P ) Moving on. No time to waste. Huh? You have to sign something to get an extra paper? :P Breezing through rest of the questions, though it involves some groaning to draw the diagram and shade the area in 27.

10.00

ARGH. Its already 10 and I've done just two sections! Unnecessary panic, but I didn't know it then. I am blinded with time-fear to see any sense. Section B! Section B! Aah. Turning pages eats up four seconds. (All this would sound really stupid now, but I'm just giving you facts :D )

Pang. Awful values for K in 11. But moving on again, 12.13.14.15.16.17.18. Phew. *Deep Breaths*

10.15

Section A. Yay. No steps required! :) I write down all the answers in ten lines after working out a few on the table. Yes, on the table. :P

10.20

I'm done with the paper. I realize I still have over one and a half hours to go. Maybe, I should have done it a little more neatly. :-/ I check if I have written all the questions. I tie the paper as discreetly as possible, without trying to let anyone know but -
"You have finished?" "erm... Yes, ma'am"

"But you still have One and a half hours left!"

"I.... know.. ma'am. I'll... er.. check"

And she turns to Aravindh Babu, and asks, "Is the paper that easy?"
Say Yes, PLEASE!

"No, not at all ma'am", and he turns around and gives me a startled look.
I hate you. :P

Now everyone starts "Ada Paavi"-ing. Hmpf. Isn't it obvious? I SCRIBBLED! :|

10.25

I take more deep breaths, allowing myself two minutes to relax. Just two. I look around the room for the first time. Numbers are still swimming in front of me. I hardly notice a crow perched on a tree or a tiny thin girl writing unusually with glasses on. Time's up. Back to work. Phase One of exam is over. But the more vital phase remains. Checking.

10.30
Beginning of Phase Two. Starting with Number 34. Damning decimals. :| I redo the problem in the rough column. (Yes, I actually drew huge rough columns in the answer sheets in extra spaces) Something looks wrong. :| Oh Crap! I missed the 1/3 in volume of frustum. Well never mind if you don't get this. All you need to know is I would have missed the answer by 18000 odd centimetre cubes if I didn't notice it. I get freaked thinking what would have happened if I had not found this out. Poda! You just found it out! So what's the problem? Oh yeah. :P

10.45

After getting multiple decimal values for the "Aeroplane" and the "Bucket" problem, I give up, deciding that it won't matter because the whole number values are right. I move on to redoing everything else. Redoing is my method of checking. Either logically or mentally or in rough column :P After, correcting a few more deadly silly mistakes I waste another five seconds by drinking water :P

11.00

Most of them have finished. This is the time when people get into the 'non-nervous' mood and start chatting. The nervousness would comically return when people are asked to hand over the papers. I'm done with checking once. I decide to check again.

11.20

I'm done checking twice.

11.40

Thrice.....

11.55

Four Times! :| I give up. But my instincts tell me I have mistakes hidden out there. I glance through the pages again, and again...... and again. I truly give up, shutting the papers, I take more deep breaths.

12.00

*RING* That's the bell. The time for Moment Two. But I refuse to open the paper, fearing I would find any. Sounds silly, but even if I did find any I couldn't change them now anyway. I hand over the paper. Moment Two never happens and Moment Three would never happen either. Only grades would be out. I feel a HUGE wave of relief as I walk out. I guess I could say I was satisfied. 

The Math Mania - Hours, Minutes And Seconds Before The Exam

Ah... Two months of eternal bliss. Yes, I will enjoy every moment of this summer. I relax on the sofa and pick up one of the ten story books I had gotten from the library. I look at the summary on the back, "A man walks into a house and sees a man lying dead, and a woman, holding a pistol in her bloody hand........" I cant swallow it. I'm actually so free. This is unbelievable. No school, no history periods, no stupid little exa- ...."

 
BZZZZZZZT... BZZZZZZZT

Huh what? what? Something is shaking, vibrating.

I snatch the cell phone from under the pillow. It is 5.00 a.m. The alarm was muffled by the pillow. Realization strikes, the high spirits come plummeting down as I remember - Today is math exam. And not just math exam. Math Board Exam. Class 10. One of the life deciding  things, they say. I say its just another day where you should sit at one place for three hours. 

The blog is now polluted. :P

The happiness, bliss, and 'Geth' feelings turn into misery, groaning, nervousness and so on. :P What an awful time to get a dream. Now I'll think of only murder mysteries. :|
I trudge out of bed, still very much groaning. After brushing I take out the textbook and stare at the fresh, still smelling new, pages of the book. Sorry, dear text book, I don't feel one bit sad that this is the last two hours I'll be seeing you. 

Oh wait. No, I'll see you again........ When you have to be thrown out to be recycled. }:-)

 Some kid on the book cover said, "The probability of me passing is 0.4!" Is this book trying to say, "That's what happens when you read me"? NCERT doesn't know how to advertise. Not that it would manage to sell a single copy even if it did know. :P What in the world am I doing? I should be studying. Well, you usually wouldn't 'Study' math. But I am in no mood to work out anything. :|

And so, I open the book. There. Task One completed successfully. Yes, I mean, opening the book. You saw how much time that took! :P

The next one hour, of course, was the most horrid period of the day. Looking through every single problem in the text book definitely isn't what you would 'pleasant'. I can't take any more of this and I close the book. I just sit there for I don't know,  around 15 minutes, thinking random random non-mathematical things. 

After ending the maths note once and for all with a circle and a triangle with arcs, I end Task Two. Studying. I feel.. dizzy. But that's that. No more x squares and frustums.....! For now atleast. :P 

Task Three. Preparing the tools for job. Assassinating the maths paper. My pencil box still has a random 2010 Sanskrit class-test paper, two dry pens, one mokkai pencil, and of course around five dozen threads (Yes, I'm crazy. I collect threads. :P ) After carefully transferring the threads to 'The Thread Box', which had around five hundred of them, I dig through the cupboard, looking for pencils and pens and compasses and protractors. After ten minutes of 'demolishing-neatly-arranged-cupboard-to-get-things' I get what I required. Pencils, scales, rubbers, pens, protractors, compasses, Gameboys......

Yes, a cup of coffee always helps.

Now for a little tampering and bittu vechufying, I take out a scale, and with the compass, make tiny little holes on the 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 centimetre marks. So now, when the question would require the compass to be having any of those measurements, the sharp thing would neatly go in without  slipping. Bwahaha. :P

I feel the need to feel a little more 'up'. So the obvious instant solution is - I go switch on the computer. Fb-ing, Music-ing, commenting, Buzzing and all that and the moment I switch it off, I finally start feeling nervous. 

"OMG. Math Exam!!! Aaah!" and all that. Around half an hour later I give the book a flick one final time. After the final "Best of luck"s from everyone, (Hmpf. they just make me more nervous) I take out my cycle and start heading to school, for the first time, in a month.

Cars passing by. Getting the right hand fractured could probably be the BEST worst thing to happen now. I'm alive when I reach school..........

The nervousness has officially kicked in big time. I walk towards the crowd of people, half of them having math notebooks, other half discussing the world cup. Just what I wanted to know -"India should've brought in Harbhajan for the last over" :P

We still don't know our rooms. What the heck people? Exam is in fifteen minutes! Oh well. :P As long as everyone is here. :P Finally, the peon (sure it isn't pronounced, "PEE ON"?? ) came and stuck two sheets of papers. I think of the sheet that is stuck on the compartment of a train. Well, it did match. Everyone trying to stick their heads to see if they existed in the sheet and trying to figure out the rooms.

All of us climb the tiring three floors and get to our rooms. Ah. Awesome! I'm near Deepak and Aravindh Babu is in front. Atleast the exam won't be entirely boring.  I take out my things, keep it on the bench and walk out with the bag and chat with random people. My hands become ice-cold. The nervousness. The numbness. The fear...... Fitting, how, when I think of 'fear', Girija ma'am should come into our room as invigilator. I get a hold. This is no time to be nervous. Time for some ruthless problem cracking. I walk in, holding my breath..........